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I toyed with the title of this post for some time, and decided to go with it as it served a twofold story purpose.

Firstly, I have been violated. Not in a physical damage kind of way, but in a “someone went into my bedroom without me making it less of a biohazard” kind of way. Let me explain. I’m being bought out of the house I’m currently dwelling in (as some of you probably know from previous posts), and my ex-sister in law (well, current, but soon to be ex) is thinking about buying into the property when I’m gone for a number of reasons. Tonight, she was supposed to come over and look around with my ex-husband. But of course, these things never go according to plan, she arrived early, and while I was busy talking to her daughter, she disappeared with Miss M and apparently looked around upstairs.

Upstairs - aka my never to be seen by another human, private lair. I guess I expected to at least be asked “do you mind if I look upstairs”, and have the chance for a speedy, utterly panicked whirlwind tour of the most unsavoury areas of my inner sanctum, but, instead, I got nothing. I’ve been exposed as the slovenly housekeeper I am, worst of all, to an ex-in-law. Insert resigned heavy sigh here.

The second reason for the title is I was told a wonderful story by one of my favorite clients (hello Daniel!) this week, about a friend’s car alarm which would react to any unlicensed touching with a computerised voice saying “step away from the vehicle”, terrifying any would-be thief. The best part is when the owner came back and unlocked the car, it would say in a robotic female voice “I have been violated”. I’d almost buy a car just to have that alarm. Almost …

I was wrong about the rain last night, so I’m leaving any and all predictions to the accursed weather bureau, who are paid to be incorrect a large percentage of the time.

Today I’m loving: hamburgers with Turkish bread, sumac and houmus

After some seriously hot weather, it looks safe to say there could be some relief tonight in the form of rain. I don’t want to go out on a limb, because Melbourne’s rep as a wet city has been left behind several months ago, but the clouds are ominous which I choose to take as a good sign.

Miss M completed day 2 of her sleepover tour of Richmond, and is now back with me for the next few nights, which I’m most excited about. I think being out of her routine has made her tired, since she asked what was for dinner, then went insane when I told her it was risotto, usually a favorite. Not just any risotto either, but one with three kinds of meat. I’ve just managed to tempt her with the choicest meaty pieces, and now she’s happy to eat it.

Tomorrow I start work at 9.30am, and don’t have to work in the evening. I love Fridays! Sadly my yoga teacher is going away for a month to Tibet, so I won’t have his fantastic guidance for a while, but I’m in a good groove with my own practice now, so I feel quite confident I can hold down the fort solo.

There’s an hour long special of The Biggest Loser tonight, and between 7-8pm I will be lying in front of the television in a very lazy way, watching people work out and stress about activity. Ahh, vicarious living, how sweet it is!

(as a quick little post script, I thought I’d just lost this post in a haze of non internet connectedness - but then it magically came back - hooray for computers!)

Today I’m loving: Saturday is oh so close

(another little post script - sorry to anyone who read this with strange words missing - I’m learning to use Ultimate Tag Warrior and buggered up the tagging)

Today, like Monday and Tuesday, has been busy. Tomorrow is also busy, so I’m hanging out for Friday, which is quite calm, with lots of breaks between clients. It’s very hot, and both my animals are lying around, looking at me with loathing, like I should be able to do something about the heat. Sadly, I’m not quite that omnipotent.

I’ve taken some promotional material to the printers to get (amazingly) printed, worked from 6am ’til 1pm, marinated chicken, and I’m about to go and pick up Miss M, and find out how last night’s sleep over went. Before I go, here’s a photo she took of me a couple of days ago, which I hated at first, but have now grown to really like.

I look slightly nuts, but I’m okay with that.

Today I’m loving: Miss M’s take on Valentine’s day - when I told her I didn’t want her to give me anything because it was a silly commercial notion, she agreed, saying “you’re right, it’s hideous for man and woman”.

Tonight I mentioned to Miss M that I had a craving to see the episode of the Simpsons where Homer provides the voice for Poochie, an outrageous cartoon dog. As I type, that very episode is on free-to-air tv. Now that’s cool.

A strange day of ups and downs - frustration, then finally satisfactory closure on my dealings with a government agency; a missed appointment, which was due to a small child being ill, and led to me spending a pleasant twenty minutes sitting under a tree in Carlton Gardens; one of my Yummy Mummies letting me know she’s lost almost five kilos since starting the class; being organised enough to take my lunch to work, but still buying one of the fantastic macadamia and chocolate chip biscuits from reception to eat with coffee.

Tonight Miss M will be sleeping over at a friend’s house, because her papa is away for work, which has caused some stress at our house, since I work until 10pm tonight, and start at 6am tomorrow. Happily, Michael and Linda came to our rescue, and are very laid back about having the naughty munchkin this evening, and taking her to school tomorrow. After we’d sorted that out, we had to find another sleepover venue for the following night, since the overnight trip has now extended into two. Simon and Sue, I love you! I might add none of this has disturbed Miss M in the slightest, and in fact she’s so excited she’s got butterflies.

Last night she told me a joke which I hadn’t heard properly, then got angry because I didn’t laugh. “Now my dreams of being an actress have turned to confetti” was the exact phrase she used. That made me laugh, quite a lot.

Now I’m off to organise school lunch for tomorrow so no one else has to worry about it, and to enjoy the rest of Poochie, the rockin’ dog.

Today I’m loving: my exceptionally wonderful friends, who I owe bigtime!

OK, Page 82 - Celebrity Bodies: Bringing sexy back

Donna Aston gives us the lowdown on how to craft a fantastic back. There’s no denying a great back is one of the most sexy parts of the human body (or is that just me letting out too many of my private thoughts?), so once again, I can’t find fault with Donna, and I’m not just being a suck because she’s amazing. Chin ups are one of my favorite exercises to give clients, and they’re number one on her list too. I like the way she’s given an easier version, since women are fairly limited with the amount of chins they can do, unless their name is Sarah Connor.

There are also sections about diet and cardio - the other two parts of the balanced health triangle. The only possible criticism I’d have with this article is pictures of exercises are always easier to follow than a description, and this is a case in point. Other than that ****

Famous, Page 62: Celeb diets: So hot right now!

Six diets favoured by celebrities go under the microscope, including The LBD diet (little black dress, for those of us who are acronym challenged), Paleolithic, raw foods, GI (glycaemic index) and food combining diets. Famous have an accredited dietician, Alan Barclay commenting on all the eating plans, and his favorite is the GI diet, which is about making choices about fast or slow release energy foods. He also likes the Paleolithic diet, but points out it won’t result in any more weight loss than any other diet. I like Alan, and I like his comments. I also like articles about celeb diets, and this is a goody. **** for user friendliness, *** for voyeurism.

NW, Page 74: Five fab fruits you can find in the supermarket

There seem to be a lot of of lists of great weight loss or healthy foods in magazines at the moment, and this one is all about easy to find foods which can help you lose weight, protect your heart, prevent cancer, and provide fuel for your brain. Each food has a little symbol depending on what it’s best for, apples and pears being the most multi-tasking of the five. ****

Today I had to say a tearful goodbye to my trusty odometer, keeper of speeds achieved and kilometres ridden.

This morning I bought a replacement punching bag, not because my old one is worn out, but because it has rotted on the bottom, and I’ve discovered there isn’t much in life that is as smelly as rotten kapok (the fibre it’s filled with) - just ask Ria. Asking a paying client to use this piece of equipment (nicknamed Oswald by Miss M) is wrong on any level you can come up with, so it had to go. Because I don’t drive, getting a punching bag from the place of purchase back to my house presents a slight problem, but James once told me that during the Vietnam war, villagers carried around heavy cumbersome things on their bikes. Fast forward to me, balancing a reasonably heavy punching bag on my bike, everything’s going well.

Until I heard the sound of something landing on the road and shattering. I thought at first it was my headlight (which would probably have been worse in a safety sense), but then realised it was my odometer. I stood for about five minutes on the traffic island in the middle of the road, trying to work out how I could let go of the bike/bag, not have it fall, and retrieve my prized possession. Normally Miss M would’ve come to my rescue, but she was playing basketball with James.

A car solved my dilemma by crushing it into shards of black plastic and intricate inner workings. You’ll be proud to know I didn’t cry. It’s especially sad as another thousand k’s were about to tick over, and nothing is more enjoyable than watching all those numbers change at once … well, some things are, but it’s still pretty cool.

So today when I ride into work, I won’t know how fast I’m going or how far I’ve gone. Perhaps that will be quite a freeing thing? I guess I’ll soon find out. And Oswald is going out in the rubbish collection tomorrow night, and may even find himself a new owner before the trucks make their way around. Maybe!
Today I’m loving: thai crab noodle cakes

Week two of my anally retentive shopping/meal planning, and it’s working beautifully. Even more excitingly, I did so much shopping last week, I don’t need to buy nearly as much this time round. How (disturbingly) efficient!

I just visited the website of one of my heroes in the world of personal training, and discovered a job vacancy at her studio. Maybe I should apply and deal with her high profile clientelle, start work at 7am, finish at 3pm and get paid megabucks per hour? I have to admit for a few moments I considered it, and even downloaded the PDF application, but the idea of leaving my beautiful, crazy job at Hunts, the business I’ve built up over the last four plus years and the antics of my co-workers is too awful to consider. Am I in a rut, or just happy with what I’ve got? I can honestly say it’s the latter - how cool is that?

Dinner tonight will be at our favorite Vietnamese restaurant, with some of my favorite people - a perfect match. I’m already planning what I’m going to have, since I pretty much know the menu off by heart, and have never, ever been disappointed by anything I’ve ordered in more than ten years. Miss M is known by name, and we get lollies as we leave, and you can’t better that kind of service!

It’s even higher on my scale of perfect restaurants since Camy Shanghai Dumplings appears to have closed indefinitely. I walked past there last week, and the sign saying “this restaurant is closed for a period of time” was still there, and someone had stuck a post-it note to the outside of the door with a lament to their dumpling withdrawals, and a frowny face drawn on it. Simple, yet eloquent.

Today I’m loving: chorizo and basil. Almost as perfect as chocolate and coffee.

dumpling

Hooray, the week’s over! Sadly I didn’t make it to yoga today, due partly to some programs which needed to be written before I left work, and partly to the hilarious wit of my co-worker Ben, one of the funniest people I’ve encountered in a gym environment.

I picked up Miss M and her friend Alex after school, and entertained them with random outbursts of madness, which Alex loves, and Miss M tolerates, only because Alex laughs so much. We ended up going out for icecream with our next door neighbour Harry, and met dozens of people we knew while sitting at Wendy’s with our cones. Happily I’d chosen sorbet over some kind of multiple chocolate concoction, so my reputation as fitness guru was more intact than when I get busted eating Florentines in between clients at the gym. Hey, they’re gluten free, okay?

My plan to make lasagne fell in a heap of sore legs and general malaise after a long, long week, so we went out for pizza instead. Now I’m going to watch tonight’s episode of The Biggest Loser (professional interest, remember?), while lying in as close to a horizontal position as I can manage. Is that even a sentence?

yoga

Today I’m loving: wheeling and dealing

Somehow this week feels like it’s been a few days longer than a normal one. Don’t know whether it’s something in the air, but there was a sense of general malaise around the gym this morning - which made the insane training session I did with Steve all the more … insane. I discovered holding a 6kg medicine ball above your head in one hand while doing step ups is a lot tougher than it looks.

I spent some time last week planning all our meals, and doing one massive supermarket shop to prevent my daily ritual of standing slack jawed in random aisles trying to conjour up that night’s dinner. It’s worked awesomely, I bought more food than we needed, and haven’t had to shop since doing the weekly magazine run on Monday. I baked cakes, made after school snacks … hello domestic goddess.

In the spirit of that organisation, my flickr word for today is baking, which produces this:

baking

Yoga tomorrow, in a new venue, very exciting. Also good - my legs are trashed.

Today I’m loving: velvet sledgehammers - in a business sense

NW - Pg 76 - Be your own diet guru

Six tips to help you use your mind as well as your body to lose weight. The ideas range from seeing a hypnotist, using a measuring tape (my favorite), and distracting yourself before you eat something you don’t really need. Underneath each idea is a way to make it work for you. Some good advice, even you only end up using a couple of tips. ***

On the same page is a small article about trans fats, and how they release more kilojoules than others during digestion. They’re also bad for you in many other ways - so before you eat cakes, biscuits, cheese and icecream, check the label to see if it contains any evil trans fats.

OK - Pg 82, Body talk with Patsy Kensit

Patsy looks pretty fantastic for someone who used to use heaps of drugs, and she sounds like she uses a really sensible approach to do it. She works out four days a week with a trainer (you don’t have to use a trainer), and makes sure she exercises for an hour every day. She eats fairly sensibly, except for stupid egg white omelettes, but incorporates heaps of fresh fruit and veggies into her diet, still has an occasional glass of champagne, and eats roasts on Sunday. Good for you, Patsy ***

On the same page, there’s a small article about Erika Heynatz, and her daily detox ritual. I’m not a huge fan, but I like her style as far as a daily beach run followed by a swim. I also like the juice she has, which is beetroot, ginger and lemon, except I’d add an apple as well. This is a far better idea than the crazy detox’s listed in the recent Cleo mag here, and as long as you live near a beach, totally doable. Somehow I doubt the Yarra would cut it as far as a detox goes …

Woman’s Day, Pg 60 - The Biggest Loser returns

Tie in article with the disturbingly addictive reality show. This details how the two teams will be following different diets - one low GI, the other CSIRO-style. It also has the trainers talking about using the new Aussie counterparts during the show. While this is a two page spread, it doesn’t really say a whole lot. More publicity than usable info. **

New Idea, Pg 66 - Be your own Biggest Loser

Unlike the previous article, this is more a list of diet and health tips to help you get into shape. It’s got some really useable information, especially on pg 67, with 14 pointers of how to make eating more user friendly. Some of them are fairly extreme, but if it works, I say go for it. I like lots of these ideas, the food diary is something I use a lot with my clients, goal setting is also good. Definitely some good tips here. I also have to confess a soft spot for the new Aussie trainer Shannan Ponton, who was on one of my favorite Foxtel shows Crunch Fitness. He’s really inspirational, and I like his style. ****

Who - Pg 55 - Exercise Bulimia

While this isn’t a how-to article, it’s focuses on a problem which is not uncommon. There are several members of the gym I work at who could really benefit from reading it. With three case studies of recovered sufferers, it’s easy to see how an obsession with exercise could spiral out of control. Scary, but informative. ****